Back in Italy for the weekend, and I find myself at the local bar in my village, sitting and chatting to my Italian girlfriend over lunch. She tells me, or rather asks me, do you know that bleaching your anus is all the rage? I've just put a forkful of penne arrabbiata into my mouth, I am telling you I nearly choke. She goes onto explain, it's called anal bleaching, you can even buy creams but they really recommend that you go and have it done professionally. Why that, a chance of over bleaching, what would happen then? So I just am trying to picture it, so you arrive at the salon and you announce, I have an appointment here to um, er, well, bleach my bum, er anus and then I'm thinking to myself if one has to lie with their legs in the air or is it necessary to bend over? She's totally into explaining this to me. Apparently it makes you all the more sexier.... and younger too. Giving it a thought..... what a bargain, where can I sign up? And then these are the statistics. As you get older, so does your anus, it gets darker, I have to cover my mouth with my hand as I don't want to spray my penne all over the cloth. This is all so enLIGHTening! ..... Just what I need to regain my self-confidence, a pristine, lillywhite arsehole!! Next time people ask for my age , I'll just bend over and ask them to judge for themselves.
My mind is racing, does one self apply it or do you ask a friend? My friend from Paris says she'll only come and visit me if I bleach my anus. Who knows, maybe we can we can buy some tubes in bulk and get a discount. I say, listen mate, I need some bulk tubes for my arse alone.
Later on in the week, I proceed to explain this trend to my parents, who of course have never heard anything like this before. The people are mad, my dad says. He has recently taken up painting and so he sees and tries to explain everything like a painting technique. He's going on how it's like painting a waterbuck's bum (for those who don't know - a waterbuck has a big white ring on its rump) - my mom doesn't know what he is on about. Now thinking about my aunt on the other hand.... wouldn't this be something just up her alley?
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