High Heels in Munich

I'm sitting outside the Schrannenhalle with my husband, his brother and my dad. They're all drinking a 1 litre beer and talking football and politics. Note to self: Never go with them again without my ipod. They drone on in Italian. My ears prick up, the table behind us, 2 women and a guy are speaking in english, one has an american accent and she's going on and on. I try to turn sideways, listening in but at the same time I don't want to make myself look obvious. I feel for the guy, he looks about as bored stiff as I did a couple of minutes ago, he doesn't know what to do with himself but he sits and puts on a smile, forcing a grunt every so often. On she drawls, In my French class the girls bla bla, it's so fantastic bla bla, I strain to hear everything that I am forced to lean over even further. My side of the table the conversation has turned to Berlusconi and then the Grand Prix.

The American asks the other woman, I mean how do you find the winters here compared to your country? Well, here it isn't as cold she answers bla bla and they continue. Then a bit of more conversation which I can't quite pick up. Then all of a sudden, the other woman starts to speak louder, obviously getting excited about the topic. I try to close my right ear to ferrari this and ferrari that, and this is what I hear. You know when I was in France, one day I suddenly realised, the french women have thick ankles. Now I'm curious, and I don't give a hoot now if they think I look like the leaning tower of Pisa. And then I started to ask everybody why the women have thick ankles, she continues, you know what I found out, it's from the water there, the tap water that they drink! Ohhh really, the other says her eyes nice and wide. I nearly fall off the wooden bench, trying hard to keep a straight face, I got to hear more of this. Yes, it's something in the water so when I go to France I refuse to drink from the tap, I mean, you really got to be careful. I always go for bottled water. The American all serious now makes a point, but what happens if you're cooking with the water? Then you're going to consume it anyway, aren't you? The other pauses to think about this, a few seconds later, yes I didn't think of that, and then, well that's okay because then you're boiling it and that makes it safe.

Bit of discussion goes by and then, yes, I used to have a crust says the other woman whose english isn't mothertongue. Just on the side here, I mean my hair's clean, it's not here now. I think I am hearing things but I want to hear more. Like I'll wash my hair today and it will be fine, but then the next day, it comes, this crust, right here, look. I think oh god, do I have to hear all this now, how gross, is this the kind of thing to talk about at the table, what must the guy think, does he have to be subjected to this kind of woman's talk? Please let her stop now, it's revolting now. But for some reason, she doesn't stop, she goes on and on, really getting into it. In fact, she's getting so into it that she's almost shouting and I find myself leaning the other way now. Yes it right here and when I touch it I can feel it and something falls off. Shudder. Then her friend eventually admits, yes me too, she's all excited now, it sometimes happens to me too! Oh I'm so glad to sit here and talk to you, I didn't realise how much I miss you, it's so nice to be able to talk about these things, and they have a bonding moment. I don't know what to think, besides the fact that I am highly amused. She continues, at this stage she is almost shrieking that almost everyone trying to enjoy an evening's beer can hear, I think I have a mushroom. What? Is this woman for real? And she, for some absurd reason needs to clarify it again to herself (and to everbody else around), a few times, I THINK I HAVE A MUSHROOM, YES, IT'S A MUSHROOM, pause, YES DEFINITELY IT'S A MUSHROOM. My god, I need to listen to the politics on my side of the table rather. Thankfully, two minutes later the men decide it's time to get the bill and leave, to which I react to really enthusiastically, and off we are trotting down the street and saying our goodbyes!